30

I've been plagued my entire life by my struggle with obesity.

I’ve been overweight for almost as long as I can remember.  I developed body dysmorphia at a very young age.  Part of that was due to an undiagnosed gluten intolerance that left me overly bloated to an alarming degree (there are pictures.  I look like a pregnant 5 year old.  That is not an exaggeration).  Part of that were parents and parents’ friends and kids at school and random people on the street who constantly reminded me how overweight I was.

I don’t remember a time in my life where I wasn’t worried or self conscious about my size.  My entire life I’ve hoped and I’ve dreamed of better, beautiful body.

I used daydream of how over the next summer break, I’d lose SO much weight and I’d step onto the school bus and I’d strut that walkway as if it was a goddamned catwalk in my faded high-waisted bell bottoms that would accentuate my hips and a flowing sheer floral blouse that would show off my burgeoning pubescent cleavage.

But it wasn’t that easy.

I’d lose a little here and there, but then the hungry and terrified and sad little fat girl inside would beg to be quieted with calories.

It’s a weird struggle.  It’s like eating is this dirty little secret that I have to hide from everyone.  Because spending a life in a fat body, you’re treated differently.  And as a fat person, you can’t be seen eating anything, ever.  Regardless of what you select, there are remarks.  As if being overweight grants people an opinion over your choices and inherently begs for their advice.

Because I’ve realized, the only good fat person is a fat person who is trying not to be fat.

So I tried not to be fat.  I wanted to lose 50 lbs before my 30th birthday.  And I did it!  I lost 60, actually.

And it’s been SO difficult.  It’s a struggle every day.  I know it will be a struggle every day for the rest of forever.

And while I’m happy with the success I’ve had, happy to experience new successes of being smaller, happy to have better range of motion and better options when shopping and better options when dating and better options for pretty much everything—

What this weight loss journey has given me most?

It’s given me way more sympathy for who I was in my fatter body than I ever had when I inhabited it.
Everything is more difficult when you’re fat.  The extra pounds weigh so heavily on your bones and your self esteem.  Common daily tasks are exponentially more laborious.  Climbing stairs.  Squatting to pick something up.  Walking to work.   Sitting in chairs – either not fitting or fearing to break them.  Being invited to any physical activity.  SLEEPING is even a challenge.

And yet I survived 30 years with those oppressive struggles and made myself a fairly successful existence.

I cultivated a personality and I made countless meaningful friendships and I got two degrees and I worked my way into the field I dreamed of and earned the trust of celebrities—all while being fat.  And that’s pretty badass.

I’m proud of myself for losing weight – and I’m proud of me before, too.